March 23, 2005

• Maybe by Vx
  Maybe I'm just restless....
  Maybe I just need to get out more...
  Maybe I can do something more with my life....
  Doubts?
  Sure... Maybe, I do...
  I feel like I  still want to fight someting, someone, anything...
  There is a difference between insecurity and people inputting their
  opinions of another... but, that is all that it is... an opinion...
  Everyone is entitled to one....that's the freedom of laws, human rights and all that jazz...
  end

  The rest of the story

  What gets to me is that everyone is telling me what to do.  Yes, I
  ask for their advice, and I listen to it... but they don't ask what I
  want to do...

  People are now, just humouring my 'hobbies'.  They think its a
  phase.... A phase would be dying my hair bright green... or getting a
  piercing and then regretting or growing out of it years later...

  This isn't a fad, this is structure, honour, it's how many people in the world should act but don't....

  I think it was Shakespear that once said, "The world has two faces..."
  The same can be said for people...  They pat you on the back, just
  to make sure that they know where to put the knife...

  It has happened to me many times.... I'm a trusting fool... I've been
  raised to trust people and look where it's gotten me....the last 3 jobs
  'failed' because I trusted people.... Naivety got in my way...

  Stupidity more like it....

  Why am I this way.... pent up anger, not rage... not yet... and yet,
  all I want to do is go to school... get my education... move on... move
  out...

  Is that so wrong to think that? To ask for that?

  I am but a simple person.... I only need the basics... Love,
  understanding, I have compassion, I have the other feelings as well and
  yet, I am still judged...

  The reason this has come along are old memories resurfacing.... 
  My step-brother is in town... when Mom first met my soon to be
  Step-dad, my step-brother... call him B, was 3 years older than
  me...and will be unless he croaks...but anyhow for ten years... I was
  subject to ridicule, getting beat up (baseball to the groin, playing
  hockey, hard rubber ball off the shins, groin whatever...) all the
  while I was trying to make things work with B, trying to be at least
  friends...

  But, this spoiled, arrogant, obnozious, vile fucking asshole would
  laugh and go about doing his thing... so I did what I always have done
  best... worked with my computer...

  While he went off and did whatever... but over the years, I build up a
  tolerance... what am I saying... hatred... I cannot stand him... call
  it 'sibiling rivalary' if you must, but we were never raised from birth
  together....

  But, out of ten years of torture... I had only one moment of
  satisfaction.. and yet it was still not enough..... at least for me...

  There was one evening that Dave, myself and B were watching UFC and we
  decided to pretend to wrestle... so Dave and B started and I said, I'll
  face winner... Dave purposely lost and B and I were up...

  Somehow it happened that I was on my back and B's head ended up so that
  I had a choke on him and I planted my legs and turned his head down,
  cutting off his airways.... He was tapping, coughing, choking, turning
  blue... and you know what... I was thinking of absolutely.......

  Nothing....Not a thought passed through my mind...

  Did I kill him? No. I'm not cruel. I stopped. Dave pulled him off of
  me.... But, satisfaction was not had... not by a long shot. But, I
  still remember... Dave remembers too. We rarely speak of it.... But, it
  does come up on occasion.

  Jenn asks about why I don't like him... or what the story was and I
  just shrug it off... Dave tells her to drop it and not too pry...

  Somethings are better left unsaid...

  But, I've told you what has happened...

  Yes, it's in the past... I should let by-gones be by-gones... but I
  can't... everytime I see him... and the way my mother is treated, it
  just doesn't sit well with me...

  He's still a spoiled brat that even with age and the recent death of
  his mother is looking for people to go, "aww, you poor poor thing" He
  doesn't deserve it... True, it's a tragedy but really what do you
  expect from a mother that drank herself to death for 30 years?

  But, now I must go, I need to get some water and sleep..I'm tried of all this... just too tired for words to describe.

  Vx Out

  • 10:43 pm
  • 1 Comment