March 25, 2005

• What has been happening with my life these past few years?

  Am I truly so full of anger, hatred, resentment that I can no longer
  enjoy the simplier things in life.  People say this tired old
  cliche: "If life gives you a shitty hand, you deal with it and move
  on."  But there are sometimes that you cannot.  That things
  have been left unsaid for too long that it doesn't matter whether or
  not to bring them up again.  If you do, it won't solve anything...
  It never does.

  I say this now because I had a long talk with both Jenn and Dave on MSN
  today.  MSN is not the be all and end all of conversations. I'm
  more of a face-to-face person.  But, apparently my negative-ism
  streak has been going on for the last few years.

  I have been on the defensive for too long now and I'm tired of
  it.  I've been screwed around with jobs for the past four years
  all because I've been trusting, energetic and a real go getter. 
  But I have never been challenged, so I get bored with it... Days turn
  into weeks, weeks into months and I just go in, do my time go out and
  my boss gets on my back... (See Company #1).

  That is the problem with a small town.  The last three jobs have
  been here.  A real-estate company.  A major greenhouse
  grower. A major food processing facility.

  ex-BossGuy said to me once: "The only common denominator in the last
  job and here is you..."  Does that have a ring of truth? If I let
  myself think that way, then yes it does... but then my self-confidence
  goes out the window.

  I have not been very confident in the hobby that I used to love
  lately... and I believe Frameworkz said it best: If the hobby that you
  love becomes work... find a new hobby.

  In my case, find a new job, find and obtain better education, live my life...

  But, I have had alot of anger building up in me... it really came out
  in a burst when my mother was drilling me with questions about my job
  with Company #2 and I just flipped... I was so stressed that I not only
  dug my nails into the back of my head but I also punched my wooden
  desk... The pain kinda helped... But I know I need help...  All
  this anger is not good for the soul, or for myself

  I'll post the convo that I had with J&D, but I truly don't know what is wrong with me...

  The fact that I have had the ability to listen to other people's
  problems... give my advice... yet no one talks to me anymore they are
  living their own life, as I am trying to life mine... as lame as that
  sounds.

  Here's the conversation take what you will out of it...

  J:  what's with the name now?

  Vx: what's
  in a name? good
  morning to you too

  J: gm

  Vx: so
  whats new with you?

  J: nm  u?

  Vx: there's a gathering here tonight because my
  step-brother's mother died... and along with all the other burdens that go with
  his arrival it gets doubled with his wife in town

  J: you seem
  really hateful

  Vx: lol...
  you have no idea what I have gone through with him. Ask Dave about it, he can
  justify my hatred.

  J: Do you really
  want to go through life full of hatred? 
  Can you not just move on?

  Vx: I
  have moved on. Long ago I tried to reach out and be the better man, and I was
  turned away with laughter and spite.   So
  I don't speak to him and he to me

  J:  Vx when I
  met you I thought you were one of the nicest guys I had ever met and lately you
  seem to be turning into one of the rudest,meanest people I know what's with it?

  Vx: I
  hardly think I'm rude or mean, but I've been out of work for 2 months. I've
  been screwed around with in the past two jobs and I'm still living at home...
  I'm just tired of it all.  Whereever I go
  I'm treated like shit, and I really don't deserve it.

  J: You are never
  treated like shit from us ...Neither David or my self like nor accept the way
  you are acting towards us or life in generallt . Sometimes in
  life you get dealt shitty cards you need to deal with them and m,ove on

  Vx: Please
  put aside the psych 101.  How am I acting
  towards you and Dave?

  J: You don;t
  have to be out of work you could get a job at Tim's while you continue to look
  ....you seem to keep having this pitty parties for your slef and really there
  is no need for them

  Vx: I
  swore to myself that I would never work in an area that said: would you like
  fries with that... That is the only thing that drives me to look for better
  work

  J: sure but
  you  need to realize that it would only
  be a temp thing.  I would and
  do do it and so would David you do what
  you have to

  Vx:So
  then back to my original question, how am I acting towards you and Dave?  Or
  is this acting more toward yourself?

  J: Vx you
  just are turning out to be a generally negative person who neither of us enjoy
  talking to or spending time with we try not to associate with -ve people.  Who would
  turn their back on someone when their mother died....you would.  Like him or
  not you have to be supportive

  Vx: ok,
  now I know you don't know the whole story but that was not called for. I have
  been supportive, but this is something that he needs to work out with himself.
  Thus I have stayed out of the way. His
  mother did it to herself with over 30 years of Alcoholic abuse.

  J: So what

  V: So
  I have given my condolences. He has to deal with this himself, there is nothing
  I can do that I have not already done.

  J: And as far as
  you "not working in a fry shop" 
  Well then don;t get all bend out of shape that you still live at home I
  wanted out and I lived in a nice place on a min wage job you have to work for
  it if you want more you can't just sit on you ass waiting for it to come to you
  

  Vx: Somewhere
  down the road and I don't know when we've gotten off on the wrong foot.  But, what is really bothering you about me?

  J: You don;t
  come home loads of money so take that silver spoon out of your ass and do
  something for yourself

  Vx: You
  are right. I don't come home to loads of money. Money has never been a driving
  point for me.  I lived with my mother on
  Howard for god knows how many years. 
  I've never had the best nor have I expected it.  My base and core values are quite simple and
  that's how I like to live.  Sure money
  helps, but I don't care about it.And
  you know what... I was happiest back then. On Howard, in Windsor with whatever
  little I had 

  J: So get a job
  at a tim's or something and at least put some cash away

  Vx: But,
  I am doing something for myself.  I've
  been accepted to University.  I also have
  a second interview with Titan and I plan to accept that job and do the best
  that I can....

   

  So,
  really what is bothering you about me.

  J: Your negative
  attitude

  Vx: ok
  and at what point have I been negative? Has it been in real life or in MSN
  messenger? Because if it has been in Real life then I will apologize face to
  face.

  J: both

  Vx: Ok,
  lets go to real life then. When?

  J: Both David
  and I have seen it and heard it

  Vx: Was
  it because I didn't get along with one of your friends at that christmas party?

  J:no not even
  that you just aren;t the same person I met almost 5 years ago

  Vx: If
  Dave has a problem with it then I would expect him, as a friend to simply say,
  you know kurt, just tone it back or something like that because i know I'm not
  aware of it?

  J:  k  I'll tell him
  

  Vx: But,
  I'd like to know when I have been negative.. .because there have been only a
  handful of times that I have been over... So if you can remember, please jog my
  memory and
  If I have wronged you in anyway, which seems to be the case, not just Dave and
  you. You personally. Then please tell me.

  J: hold on

  Vx: k

  D: Kurt its dave

  Vx: hey Ok,
  tell me what is up.

  D:I don't know
  i was hoping that you would tell me that. 
  I have to agree with jenn, you have been very negative lately.  Your going back to Uni.. you have a second
  interview.  I thought you would be happy

  Vx: I
  am happy about all that Dave.  Maybe its
  all the little things that have been happening to me over the last 3 years that
  are just piling up. Who knows because I don't... Yes my attitude has changed
  and if I have wronged either you or Jenn, then I'll apologize face-to-face, not
  this MSN bs, but things to me aren't as enjoyable as they once were.

  D:Vx from
  one friend to an other.  I really think
  you should go and talk to someone

  Vx: Ya
  I probably should.

  D: Vx Im
  serious i think that you really should. 
  Both jenn and I are worried about you.

  Vx: That
  I appreciate.

  D: You know my
  number don't be affraid to use it .  I
  might be in twon on sunday after noon

  Vx:We'll
  have to get together then if you have time

  D: k

  Vx:good

  And that was that... I've known Dave for a long time.  I trust
  Dave with my life.  He has never steered me wrong in all  my
  years and has been a great, great friend...  But people change,
  situations in life, change... I'm not the only one.

  There was a time that Dave was the most outgoing person that I knew...
  Now, he's more reserved, doesn't say too much and Jenn is the
  boisterous one... She seems to me the type that is a very outgoing
  person... but, she is always looking for a reaction out of Dave
  mainly.... the drink doesn't help that situation, that is for sure.
  Just my observations.

  Sure, I might have issues. No one in their right mind can say that they don't.

  I have always been raised by simple methods.  Do well in
  school.  Be good to your friends. Work hard and you will be
  rewarded.  I've done all three and yet still not seen any rewards.
  Just got ot keep on plugging at it.

  Vx Out

  • 11:14 am
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